Weak Dream: A view into yourself

 Today, I had a conversation with my mentor. We made small talk, trying to overcome the language barrier and understand each other. In that convo thing, I find the best information I want to know: the exchange program to the USA. Computer Science in UIUIC?  My family has wanted me to go to study in America for a long time. But as a child, I didn't understand anything; I was just naughty and did the opposite of what my parents wanted. I used to have a list of things to make my parents angry. That is what I regret the most. I used to tell my parents I didn’t want to study abroad. When I realized what my parents did to me and changed my mind, it was too late. I almost had to study in my home country, luckily I found Taiwan, the right place to pursue university. My delayed maturity cost my parents time, money, and health, as well as mine.  But now I'm standing before an unprecedented opportunity to correct my mistakes. I know I can't just sit still and pray while contempla...

 It is not always advisable to save money. What I realized today after I replaced my phone screen.  I am not a person without money. I have a lot of it, but my spending needs are very low. I used to live in a village with an average income compared to the city. So, people are frugal. I am influenced by it.  When I go to any coffee shop, I will buy the cheapest, and I don't care about how it tastes. When I go shopping with my friends, I won't buy anything even if I need it. When I'm thirsty, I won't buy water; I will go back to my home to drink water even if it takes me 1 hour. There are many things that I look back on that make me feel frugal. However, I can blame it on my own lack of needs.  The last time I regretted buying an iPhone. I was hesitating between iphone 13 pro and 14 pro at that time. I chose iphone 13 pro because it was cheaper, although iphone 14 pro suits me better. I'm so stupid. The price difference between those two machines is only 3 million VND...

 I just called my high school classmates. They went to our teacher’s house for the Vietnamese teacher’s day. I'm glad they still remember me. I'm glad I can see them.  The call only lasted 5 minutes. There were so many things I wanted to say, but my emotions kept me from speaking. I realized that my friends all had their own lives and new friends. They were still my high school friends, but I felt a little distant. Maybe because people's hearts have gradually filled with more people. My teacher is still the same, still has the same loving eyes as every day. Even though he is no longer our homeroom teacher, he still considers us as his children. How should I say this? This is the first time my class meets after graduation, and I can't attend; I can only watch them through my phone. Looking at familiar images of classmates laughing and joking with each other, I suddenly realized that I used to be like that. I used to be the class monitor. A meeting with the old teacher t...

 Today, my university is holding an event. They call it sports day. My class is required to dance on the sports day to welcome the deputy. After the dance, we are free. If anyone signs up for the competition, they will attend it. If I were in high school, I would sign up immediately, without thinking. But this is the university, not my high school, not my old friends with the same language. They talked in a different language. I was too shy to join, because I'm not good in their language.  I regret about it now. It was a chance for me to make new friends and practice my second language. While everyone was participating in the competition, I just stood and watched, thinking about my choice. I think I made a new wrong decision. Even though I try never to make a bad choice again, I probably can never do that. I can only minimize the number of times. Now that I look back on my choices, I still regret them and wish to return in time. Actually, if I could go back in time, there are ...

 The weather in Taiwan has changed from super hot to super cold now. Actually, it is about 20 degrees, but the strong wind (45km/h) makes me feel like 10 degrees. The wind blows cold to my bone. It also blows my mind. I have experienced this weather in Northern Vietnam but still cannot adapt. The cold weather reminds me of the past.  The cold weather makes me wanna sleep. Whenever I tried to focus on studying, my feet got cold, and my brain froze. It begged me to go to bed. It said the bed has a blanket and makes me warm. Nah, I have to tell my brain that if I go to bed, I will fail all subjects, lose my scholarship, and have to go back to Vietnam. I have to tell my brain how hard I got there, how I prepared for it, and what my family expects from me.  However, my brain controls my actions.  By the way, I have finished my midterm test. I feel like I can't get 60 on all my tests. In high school, I rarely got more than 60; my teacher helped me to get 80 because I was t...

 I plan to learn physics and solve programming problems this weekend. But I all played Plant and Zombies. I don’t know why.  It started when I surfed Youtube and found a fucking pvz video. It is the mod version of Pvz (Fusion mode by China Wizard). Basically, it has new plants, and the gameplay is the same. However, it is more difficult and requires more brain power. This excites me.  My brain said that I had to learn Physics and programming because of the upcoming test. But my heart said to play it. I listen to my heart. I play Pvz for three days. Last night, I didn’t sleep, play Pvz from 8pm to 5am the next day. My eyes were really sore, so I went out for a walk. I missed my EyeCare software, but it was annoying when I played games so I turned it off. Yes, it was the first time I was outside my dorm, in the campus at 3am. But after return, I tried open youtube to find the physics video, but I clicked on a Pvz video. My heart controlled me. It force me continued pla...