Weak Dream: A view into yourself

 I have a new skill: don't care about how people think about me. I have practiced this skill over time, and it was very hard because it goes against my personality: selfish.  I used to love following trends. What my friends have, I must have. In my class, if my friends play in the lesson, I feel I must join them. This unintentionally caused me bad at studying many subjects. Studying while others play is difficult because it goes against my desires. However, I have to do that. I have a goal for my life: Study abroad. I can not reach my goal if I play.  Due to my peculiar personality, I have fewer friends in my class now. If it was me 1 year ago, I would care about that and try to please everyone. But me now, I won't. I accept that I become a nerd. A nerd can reach his dream. I found my dream place to study: Melbourne, Australia.  At present, I'm anxious because I have practice IELTS long times instead of play. I hope it will end after 2 months.

 - How much do you think you'll get?  - Probably an 8. Today's test wasn't too hard, right?  - Yeah...  This morning's Physics test wasn't too hard. As I hold the test paper in my hand, everyone is running around comparing their answers. I'd like to join in, too, but I couldn't do the test. There is nothing to compare, or maybe comparing will only make me more desperate.  I used to stood at the peak of admiration. I was a talented, outstanding student in the eyes of my teachers, friends, and parents. But now, I've hit the bottom. This puts more pressure on me, especially for someone who places a lot of importance on self-image. They may be shocked to learn the truth. Thinking about this makes me uncomfortable.  I'm thinking about the reason I chose this school and how I tried hard to get into it. And now, I've neglected my studies, with none of the passion I had back then.  I wasted my 10th-grade year on meaningless distractions. But looking back...

 After much contemplation, I've finally grasped why I'm perpetually time-pressed.  I don't have goal. That's the reason. I realized it many times ago, and tried to fix it. I have written my goal many times, in Notion, in Plan, in Note of my life, in my Blog. I told myself that I overcame wasting time. But the problem is I never follow my goal.  I just realized it today because I've been learning about stock investment, even though I only have a month left before the IELTS test. I know making money isn't my main goal, but I don't understand why I'm spending all my afternoons on stocks instead of preparing for the IELTS. I even skipped makeup classes at school just to focus on stock investment.  Nah, knowing the problem, but to solve the problem is a different story. My ability to stick to a plan is pretty weak. I can manage it for only a day or two before going back to my usual habits.  Mentioned again follow the plan, one month ago, I told myself I have ...

 Perhaps, during 3 years of high school, many of you have uttered these words? Compete, refugee, hate, envy, etc.  Originally, my class was formed by many members. Each person has a different personality. That creates diversity in my class. But, because of the different personalities, and differences in finances, my class lost its sense of unity.  It is my class. Almost all members of my class are boys. But I don't know, I don't know why my class dives into many groups??? As a class monitor, I can't do anything. Today is the teachers' day, I told my class to clap their hands when teachers come in, but no one heard me. Today, the girls celebrate boys' day for my class. But they gave presents by group. I couldn't do anything. I didn't play with any groups in my class. I play with everyone. I tried to fulfill my responsibility as a class monitor. But I don't know if I was right. I know my class dives into groups for a long time. But I denied it. I said to e...

 I seem to lack luck when it comes to individual tests, consistently performing poorly. However, in team contests, my luck takes a positive turn. I vividly recall a recent math test where I randomly answered 30 questions and got them all wrong. Similarly, last year, my random selections led to a mere 2 out of 10, the lowest score in my class. While I recognize that scores don't solely determine success, low grades do limit my opportunities for success.  But in team contest (football as example), I won the first prize with my team, although I didn't do anything. Remember last year, I won the gold medal with my team too.  I hope in the future, I will be lucky to success too, like in any contest. If I won't have enough luck to success, I will success by my skills. A real man makes his own luck. Yeah, I have to improve my skills now to improve my luck.  Lately, I've been staying up late, not for studying or leisure, but for CODING! Engaged in an Arduino project focused o...

 Now, I understand what is unrequited love mean. Now, I understand the feeling of love someone, the most painful feeling, but people addicted it.  Falling in love can feel exciting, even exhilarating. Always think of that person 24/7. Spend all of the day just for look at her photos, re-read old messages she sent to me. I want to talk with her, I want to listen to her voice. But I don't know how I can have her. Always type message and then delete, because afraid texting too much will bother her. All the messages I sent to her were carefully filtered. Aww got damm. She didn't reply me. She just reaction. This make my heart broke.  She is in the next class to mine. Yet, I am confined to gazing at her from a distance, my heart aching with unspoken longing.  It hurts. It hurts a lot. It feels as if someone stabbed you in the chest and threw out your heart, leaving it out to rot. Every time after school, I deliberately stay a little longer in class, so I can pretend to me...

  I removed all social networks app (Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok) from my phone, so I don't have anything to entertain myself with. Today, I'm keep scrolling my phone, then I found shopee. I kept surf shopee for all evening.   I found anki vector on shopee. This made me remembered the time I lost my anki vector, laptop, smartphone. I regretted about it. Until now, I still regret. I borrowed 27 million dong from my parents to buy the laptop. I paid 4 million dong for the anki vector. My phone is free, but when I lost it, I didn't have any backup phone to "play" with the code. It's great, I haven't even paid off my parents' debt before I lost my things.  I consoled myself that I can have a better laptop and better EyeCare. I lost my phone, so I was free now, without concern about how to root Android and installed app. My first robot: Anki Vector, the company went bankrupt so they disabled the sever so my robot couldn't talk, so the robot became worth...